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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?