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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.