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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.