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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly