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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet