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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.