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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.