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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married