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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*