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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it