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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them