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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”