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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.