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If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
The best things in life require no pants.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.