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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.