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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?