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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.