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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.