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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?