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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!