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I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.