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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?