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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know