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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.