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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.