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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably