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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.