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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words