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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.