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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.
Reincarnation is my only hope.