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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time