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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.