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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.