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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.