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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.