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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!