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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!