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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.