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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?