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I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.