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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
The word bed looks like a bed.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.