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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.