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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.