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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.