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My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, āIām not crazy!ā and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.