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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.