Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.