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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of