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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”