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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.