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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I fake my lol`s