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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.