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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?