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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.