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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time