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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`