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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Hash browns not tags.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...