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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.