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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
Valentines day
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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