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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.