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If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Iām not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.