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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
I liked you better before we met.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.