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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.