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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.