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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.