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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers