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My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.