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First fart at my new job.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?