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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.