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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Is Nudeism a religion?
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.