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I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.