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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.