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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.