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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.