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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".