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I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!