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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.