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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.