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I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Trust me, I am a liar.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.